Self-love, or self-sabotage?

What is integrity? At its deepest level, I believe it is our true self -- our connection to spirit. In our human form, it often shows up as an alignment of what we think, feel and do. It is living our truth.

Isn't it easy to notice when others are out of integrity? When they make promises they don't keep, act inconsistently, or are dishonest? But, what about ourselves? Is it as easy to see when we are not in integrity?

I have been noticing this in myself lately, and it has shown itself through a couple of relationships. I have been accepting behavior from others that is out of integrity with who I am and what I value. I might want to point fingers, but what it really says is, I am out of integrity with myself. I am acting out of fear, accepting circumstances that are not in my highest good. Doing this, I have realized, is an act of self-sabotage. This is so great to know, because now I can make a change.

This became very evident recently with a relationship with one of my service providers. I won't say who because that's not necessary.  This was someone who would say he would call, then wouldn't. Who would tell me he would follow up on my requests, then didn't. Even after more than one conversation about it, things did not change. But, out of fear, and because this is an area I do not feel confident in, I kept accepting this. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But, I believed some of the messages that I heard in my head, and from others, about "everybody makes mistakes," "people aren't perfect," "don't be so anal." Ever heard that? I agree when it is something that happens once in a while, but not as a pattern. Then, there is a problem.

So, I had to look at this. This was not what I valued. Not what I do, at least not on any consistent basis. But, this was something I have accepted in many relationships since I was a little girl. It was a pattern and a way that I could be a victim. Being in relationship with someone who has a good heart, good intentions, great expertise, etc., but just couldn't get it together. Staying in relationship with this can be heartbreaking, and definitely is self-sabotage because I expect/hope things will change, and they never do. I had to realize that, for whatever reason, this was this person's choice and I had to honor it. It doesn't mean anything other than this was not a good fit. So, I had to let this relationship go.

Letting this go was an act of self-love. It was a choice to be in integrity with my truth, my values. As it turned out, this person also wanted to let go, so all is well. Did I suffer some feelings of loss? Yes, because, even with the challenges, there was value in the relationship. But what was happening here went even deeper. It was about letting go of a pattern -- a long-held pattern of self-sabotage. Something that my ego obviously felt protected me in some way, but really didn't. So, there were feelings of loss.

Today, I am celebrating this shift. It is so empowering. I feel renewed. And, funny thing, I had a dream last night that I was cleaning house -- getting rid of all the gunk and making all things beautiful. Quite a metaphor, huh?

What about you? Are you out of integrity with yourself in some area of your life? Do you have some house cleaning to do? Are you choosing self-sabotage, or self-love? Please share.

Love,

Andrea